On Masks and more

This isn’t me.

You see the me I want you to know.

The real one - she’s insecure, but won’t tell you;

She’s angry, but she won’t show.

She wears one mask after another, almost all the while.

She’s jealous, she’s frustrated, she needs a hug -

But I hide it all behind a bright, pretty smile.

The me you know, is the one I want you to see

Smart, funny, kind - 

As perfect as can be.

You get to read my poems, but only those good enough for the books.

The only medals on my mantelpiece, are those of which I’m proud

And yes, my DPs always show my prettiest, most flawless looks.

You don’t get to see the drafts she furiously dismisses to the trash bins.

You don’t get a glimpse of the selfies where she looks like a sickly frog.

Of course you don’t see her defeats, you also don’t see her not-so-noteworthy wins.

She doesn’t dress up; she won’t discuss the books she reads, or her music taste.

She’s ill at ease in crowds,

She chews her nails, looking awkward and shamefaced.

This might be hard to believe, if you’ve seen me speak on stage like a pro

But, you haven’t heard the voice in her head, 

Which, five minutes before, screams “Quit. Leave. Just GO!”

She doesn’t quite feel like herself - she’s at a loss to know what ‘self’  even means.

Behind my ‘confident-and-focused’ filter that you envy,

She’s comparing who she is, with who she has once been.

She’s scared of not being loved back, and hence, scared of getting too close

If you look beyond my mask of extroversion, you’ll see

She fears making friends, more than foes.

She is just as imperfect and weak, as perfect and strong I appear to be

Secretly, all she longs for

Is the day I’ll proudly call her ‘me’.

The Tranquill Poet 🤍

P.S. - 

1. Inspired (as almost always) by the incredible - and my favourite - Sriti Jha <3

2. The frequent switching been "I" (denoting an external, carefully curated self) and "She" (denoting a real but hidden self) is intentional, to convey that I haven't come to terms with her being me yet :-)